Summer, where did you go?

This Summer has gone by so fast. This year is flying by really. I guess because we have been staying fairly busy, with appointments, cheer practice, tumbling class, and family birthday parties. This has been, probably, our busiest Summer yet.

We aren’t really go places people. We don’t do Summer family vacations because we just can’t afford them. There aren’t a lot of options for entertainment in our little neck of the woods either. I expect life to continue to get busy though as the smallest Turkey boy is showing interest in sports and baby girl is all about Cheerleading.

We have just about a month left of Summer. We are already starting to transition to back to school mode. Working on getting back on more of a schedule, getting back into our morning and afternoon school year routines. We have just about finished all the back to school shopping, too.

And yet, I’m actually kind of sad. This Summer has also been the best Summer we’ve all had together in a long time. For the most part, everyone got along. Everyone was happy with each others company. We’ve enjoyed outside time together. We’ve done a couple crafts and painting without driving each other crazy over it.

We’ve never really been great at being together. Too many conflicting personalities.

We’re not quite ready to say goodbye to Summer just yet, but it will be here before long.

I’m struggling…

I’ve been teetering on the edge of that deep dark pit. I’ve felt it for weeks. My anxiety has been at an all time high. I’ve been struggling to not fall in. It is taking everything I have to just get by. I am going through the motions on auto-pilot. It’s a constant cycle. Just when things seem to shine with light I’m hit with that darkness.

Reading about another high profile suicide hasn’t helped. I am heartbroken. Again, it hits way too close to home.

I’m not actively suicidal at the moment, but I’ve been there. I’ve fought with those thoughts and feelings. I’ve faced those demons. I’ve struggled with the desire to just have the pain end. To be able to finally find some peace.

It’s still hard to shake that feeling of loneliness. That’s what depression does. It lies to you. It tells you that you are alone even when you are surrounded. It tells you that you don’t deserve the people who care about you. Or that the people you care about would be better off without you.

Yet, here I am, wearing my all too familiar mask. Playing out the act I perfected as a child. The one that tells the world I am ok. The one that tells the world I have it all together. The fake smile, the fake laughs, the fake happiness.

This part of the cycle is always hard. I am lucky to have a fairly good support system at home. He helps me through the struggle. He pushes me to keep fighting every time. He forces me to keep my balance on this edge without letting me fall too far in.

I will be ok again. I will continue to fight my demons as long as I can.

We need to be more open about mental illness. Not be afraid of our struggles. It’s okay to not be okay.

If you are struggling, please, open up. Ask for help. Talk to someone. Talk to me.

This is a safe place.

“Dare to reach out your hand into darkness, to pull another hand into light.” – Norman B. Rice

My relationship with food

It isn’t very pretty. I struggle with balance. Depending on the trigger I either overeat for comfort or restrict out of emotional pain.

I have never found a happy medium. When stress over takes me and I feel the dip I turn to food for solace. I don’t really get comfort from it though because too many years of abusing food has wreaked havoc on my body. I am overweight, sluggish, and tired all of the time. I have always struggled with body image and self esteem issues as well so it only keeps me in a constant state of self loathing and hate. Then I tend to flip the switch and restrict food for a while because that worked for me when I was a teen. Or so is how I felt.

It is a vicious cycle.

Every year I say the same. This year is my year. I will break the cycle and overcome. I will lose the weight, and every year ends the same. I stay stuck in the cycle.

I stay stressed, with raising babies and dealing with my own self. I continue to eat my pain and feelings. And I stay down. I stay sad. I stay tired.

Yet, here we are again. New year, new me. Right?

I’m still working on it. But, I really am tired of it all. I really want to break this cycle. I want to find my happy again.

Thus, part of the reason I decided to start this blogging thing to begin with. As a sort of journaling therapy for myself.

Here’s to a new me. Maybe?

Today I celebrate life, but my heart is heavy.

Today is my youngest son’s birthday. I rejoice in this day. I go out of my way every year to make my kids feel extra special on their birthdays. No matter how much money we have, what is stressing me, or what is going on in our lives. I decorate our table with party ware, hang birthday banners, either cook their favorite breakfast or surprise them with donuts. I give them a couple of gifts and sing Happy Birthday. Every year. It isn’t much but they love it.

I love their innocence. I want to keep that magic alive for them as long as possible.

We had had a rough couple of birthdays for this little guy. Money has been tight in years past, dad was working out of state, Pop Pop died the week prior. Even through these difficult times I put on a happy face and wrap him up in all my love.

That blind innocence gets harder to keep alive each year. At school not too long ago, they had a gun safety course. One day this month they have drill for what to do if there is a shooting at their school. My sweet little innocent (now) seven year old came home asking if we have guns in the house and what he should do if he found one. It broke my heart that he has that on his mind and heart. In light of recent events, I am even more sad.

It breaks my heart that my kids are growing up in a world where we have to have safety drills for a school shooter. Or a  world where we have to worry about little kids getting the family gun, bringing it to school, and accidentally shooting a classmate. We live in a world where people stalk mothers in parking lots and grocery stores trying to steal their children away to sell them to the highest bidder. A world where people go to night clubs, festivals, and concerts and open fire or set off bombs on people just trying to have a good time. Our world has gone to hell in a handbasket.

This world is the one my children are growing up in. I fear for them every single day. Each birthday signifies one step closer to when they are thrust out into this big bad world all on their own.

For now though, there is nothing I can do but love them and hold them a little longer, hug them a little tighter. Most of all, I can appreciate the moments I have with them.