I am completely ecstatic that it is finally Autumn.
This is my time. I know a lot of people get down in the Fall and Winter but this time of year always makes me happy. Like, genuinely, happy. I still struggle but it always seems easier to break free during this time of year.
I adore all of the colors Autumn brings. I love all of the smells of the season. The cooler weather frees my soul. It’s my comfortable, soul soothing time.
Fall has always been my favorite time of year. I love that beautiful transition from the heat to the lovely cool weather. And while I understand the leaves and everything are dying I love the colors. The beautiful oranges, red, yellows, and even the brown. Those earthy colors make my soul sing. The apple cider and pumpkin spice wraps me in a warm comforting hug. Then we begin my favorite holiday seasons.
I haven’t been as excited for Halloween in past years as I am this year. It was always my favorite growing up but I’ve been sore over how it has been ruined these days. Long gone are the days of trick or treating door to door late at night dressed in spooky costumes and getting scared witless. Sure, kids still dress up, they have Fall Fests and trunk or treats, but it’s all done during the day and we have to be home by dark. It’s ridiculous and it had be sour over the holiday. My kids have been asking to really go all out decorating for it this year though so it has brought my spirit for it back. I usually decorate a bit. I make cutout bats and a few bloody handprints here and there but we are aiming for big this year and I am actually excited.
Then the best time for my mood comes. People tend to be friendlier, the atmosphere fresher and calmer, and an aire of happy floats in the air. After Halloween through Thanksgiving it is all about family and togetherness and amazing food.
Of course then my favorite Holiday season officially begins. I love everything about Christmas. Even when I’m not really feeling life I just sit and look at my lights and my tree and my spirits soar.
So I am very excited for the time of year. My head tends to chill a bit and some sort of genuine happiness gets to shine through for me. It’s a nice time to recharge.
The last couple months parricularly.
My demons have been winning. I am fighting but desperately losing.
I’ve been stressing over reauthorization so the kid can get back into his therapy group.
Said kid has been, well let’s be honest, a complete arse at school so far.
It’s like he is taking this preteen angst, I don’t care about anything, ugh! My life sucks, I can do whatever the heck I want business and completely milking it for all its worth.
He has 80s movie teen angst down pat, let’s just say that.
He is barely even into this tweenagedom. What gives?!
I don’t know what to do. His teachee keeps asking for ideas but, really, I have none. Right now we are just along for the ride waiting for something to give. What can you do? Hold on and hope it doesn’t last long? Wait out the moment it is outgrown?
Are all tweenagers like this? Maybe just not as extreme?
We’re learning as we go. Blatantly failing but learning.
And just hoping we all come out unscathed.
All the while, I am trying not to drown in darkness.
‘Tis my life though
I’ve been teetering on the edge of that deep dark pit. I’ve felt it for weeks. My anxiety has been at an all time high. I’ve been struggling to not fall in. It is taking everything I have to just get by. I am going through the motions on auto-pilot. It’s a constant cycle. Just when things seem to shine with light I’m hit with that darkness.
Reading about another high profile suicide hasn’t helped. I am heartbroken. Again, it hits way too close to home.
I’m not actively suicidal at the moment, but I’ve been there. I’ve fought with those thoughts and feelings. I’ve faced those demons. I’ve struggled with the desire to just have the pain end. To be able to finally find some peace.
It’s still hard to shake that feeling of loneliness. That’s what depression does. It lies to you. It tells you that you are alone even when you are surrounded. It tells you that you don’t deserve the people who care about you. Or that the people you care about would be better off without you.
Yet, here I am, wearing my all too familiar mask. Playing out the act I perfected as a child. The one that tells the world I am ok. The one that tells the world I have it all together. The fake smile, the fake laughs, the fake happiness.
This part of the cycle is always hard. I am lucky to have a fairly good support system at home. He helps me through the struggle. He pushes me to keep fighting every time. He forces me to keep my balance on this edge without letting me fall too far in.
I will be ok again. I will continue to fight my demons as long as I can.
We need to be more open about mental illness. Not be afraid of our struggles. It’s okay to not be okay.
If you are struggling, please, open up. Ask for help. Talk to someone. Talk to me.
This is a safe place.
“Dare to reach out your hand into darkness, to pull another hand into light.” – Norman B. Rice
Well, technically they have a couple days but I rarely send them the last week so we are done. Finished. Finite!
Summer is always stressful for me because we are all together in close quarters. The kids tend to not listen. They fight with each other. They make messes they don’t pick up. It’s all a lot to deal with.
As I’ve said before I don’t handle stress very well, and all of them home all day stressing each other out stresses me out.
Yesterday was our first day of Summer and it went pretty well at first, but by the end of the day we were all maxed out. They weren’t listening, I had to yell to get them to do anything. It was a little rough.
There isn’t much to do in our area, as for family activities. We have a few small splash pads and parks but they aren’t very big and after a while it gets boring. I guess since they are finally older we may have to start going to the bigger cities around us to find some entertainment.
Anyway, we are ready to take Summer head on. I know I will stress a lot having them all home, as I always do, but hopefully this one goes better than usual. I’ve been doing pretty well and having more better days. The husband is back on his regular schedule so he will be around more, too. That helps as he is surprisingly good emotional support.
I want to have as many good days as possible. I want my little Turkeys to remember a happy mom. I want their memories to good ones.
I’ve been busy. Distracted. Happy.
Well as happy as I can be. I’m still not quite sure what happy truly is. Sure, I’ve had fleeting moments of happiness or something resembling it. It never stays though.
It has been a busy couple of months. We finished out our first year of dance and full year of tumbling. We had our first dance recital and gym show. The last week of that was hectic but worth it. The kids did fantastic and it was great to see all their hard work pay off.
We have all been sick off an on for the last month also. So that’s kept us busy trying to get everyone healthy again. These allergies really kick our butts.
I’ve been in planning mode for the littlest turkey’s birthday party. I truly enjoy planning these parties so it’s always a nice distraction.
So the hustle and bustle of the last month or so has had me in good spirits. When I’m busy I have less time to live in my head and let that dark cloud hang over my head.
Now that things are settling down some I can feel it. I’ve had a lingering sadness following me the last few days. I’ve felt its presence slowly creeping in. I’m trying hard to keep it at bay but it’s a fight I don’t always win.
I have to give him a shout out.
He’s been here for me through the ups and downs and the highs and lows.
He reads the articles I send him that describe my mental illness more fluidly than I ever could. He is willing to learn everything he can to be better for me when I need him.
Even though I usually don’t openly come to him. I tend to take my emotional pain and struggle out on him. I internalize.
Still, he is there. He recognizes. He bugs me until I open up even just a little.
Yesterday I wasn’t feeling well. I wasn’t sick but I’m still learning what foods I can handle since my gallbladder removal and the food I ate the day before was not one of them. Well, I was not eating. I was acting uninterested in eating and I was being kind of mopey.
He offered me food. He offered to make or go to town to get me food. He offered to share his food. I refused. He became concerned. He asked if I was feeling down and depressed and maybe that was why I was feeling funky.
I cleared it up that it was just tummy troubles and everything was well currently. He still set me up in bed to relax and binge watch my show and not be bothered, just in case.
I really don’t give this man enough credit.