Finding myself

I think I am finally figuring out who I am.

I have always had anxiety. I have always been incredibly shy. I have always had low self esteem. I have always been a people pleaser. I have always cared too much about the opinions of others.

All of this has always kept me from expressing myself. It has kept me from being who might be the true me. I still don’t know who that person is but I’m excited to be free enough to try to finally find her.

Last year I dyed colorful streaks in my hair. This is something I’ve always wanted but been too afraid to do because I feel like I would be judged negatively. Even if people weren’t actually judging me I felt that judgment. It is something I’ve always done. I perceive every thing as a judgment. I’m pretty sure it stems from the anxiety issues.

So this and the shyness has always kept me from doing things that draw attention. Like dying my hair fun colors.

I’ve made it a goal this year to step out of that comfort zone.

I am dying the tips of my hair purple soon.

I even got a tattoo. Something I have wanted to do since I was fairly young. Every time I got to a point where I might actually get one that perceived judgment would sneak in and make me change my mind.

Enough is enough though.

To see change in my life I have to be the change.

So, that is what I am doing this year.

So far I’ve managed to feel happier than I have in a very long time. My moods have been fairly stable lately, which helps I think.

We bid adieu to another year

New Years Greetings

Wow! I cannot believe that this year only has a few hours left. It has been a great year overall. I decided to try my hand at this blogging thing. My youngest turkey started school. My oldest turkey started (and has been rocking) the medicine to help his ADHD. He also started Middle School!

We had some mini adventures over the summer. New foods were tried, friends were made, and experiences hopefully cemented into our lasting memories.

We are celebrating tonight by watching New Years shows, eating too much, and watching the fireworks our neighbors pop. It is sort of our tradition as it is usually too cold on New Years Eve to do much and the kids pass out early. We are snuggled together in pajamas and blankets. We do have some noise makers and party hats to get into the spirit of things, though. Our partying usually ends by ten o’clock at the latajama

We have said our goodbyes to 2017 and we are excited to see what 2018 holds.

I am not big on resolutions but I hope next year to be better. I want to make memories with my babies. I want to be there and be present with them. I want to go on adventures and learn new things.

So Farewell 2017.

Wishing you all a Happy New Year! May all your dreams and wishes come true!

“And we’ll talk a cup of kindess yet for Auld Lang Syne!”

What are your New Years Traditions and do you make resolutions? Share them below!

Today I celebrate life, but my heart is heavy.

Today is my youngest son’s birthday. I rejoice in this day. I go out of my way every year to make my kids feel extra special on their birthdays. No matter how much money we have, what is stressing me, or what is going on in our lives. I decorate our table with party ware, hang birthday banners, either cook their favorite breakfast or surprise them with donuts. I give them a couple of gifts and sing Happy Birthday. Every year. It isn’t much but they love it.

I love their innocence. I want to keep that magic alive for them as long as possible.

We had had a rough couple of birthdays for this little guy. Money has been tight in years past, dad was working out of state, Pop Pop died the week prior. Even through these difficult times I put on a happy face and wrap him up in all my love.

That blind innocence gets harder to keep alive each year. At school not too long ago, they had a gun safety course. One day this month they have drill for what to do if there is a shooting at their school. My sweet little innocent (now) seven year old came home asking if we have guns in the house and what he should do if he found one. It broke my heart that he has that on his mind and heart. In light of recent events, I am even more sad.

It breaks my heart that my kids are growing up in a world where we have to have safety drills for a school shooter. Or a  world where we have to worry about little kids getting the family gun, bringing it to school, and accidentally shooting a classmate. We live in a world where people stalk mothers in parking lots and grocery stores trying to steal their children away to sell them to the highest bidder. A world where people go to night clubs, festivals, and concerts and open fire or set off bombs on people just trying to have a good time. Our world has gone to hell in a handbasket.

This world is the one my children are growing up in. I fear for them every single day. Each birthday signifies one step closer to when they are thrust out into this big bad world all on their own.

For now though, there is nothing I can do but love them and hold them a little longer, hug them a little tighter. Most of all, I can appreciate the moments I have with them.