Will the real me please stand up?

Who am I?

I don’t really know.

The past few years I have been working on figuring that out.

I’ve spent my whole life never feeling like I belonged in my body or my own life. I have always felt out of place. And I have always tried to be what I felt society, my family, friends, peers expected.

I couldn’t allow myself the freedom to be whatever real me there was bubbling at the surface. I cared far too much about others opinions or my perceived notion of those opinions.

I spent a lot of time growing up disassociating. I would feel like I was a bystander watching my life live out. I would lose hours. I felt like I wasn’t really me within that existence. Then I would snap out of that haze and be shocked by reality. It was dizzying and sometimes frightening. Or I would get so lost in a daydream of a different life, a life I felt was more befitting, then I would be pulled back abrubtly to reality.

I never knew what it was then. I never told anyone about it. As I grew older those moments happened less. I made conscience effort to be in the real world. Then, I put allI had into fitting into the box if what I should be.

So, I spent my life trying to be those things I perceived society said I should be.

As an adult it is still hard not to fall into those habits. I still feel as if I am supposed to be in that box, but I am trying to be more me. Whoever she is. I have been enjoying the things I like without worrying too much how others would think of it. I have been dying my hair different colors and trying out different hairstyles. I’m choosing clothing that I like and feel comfortable in. I try different makeup colors when I actually wear it.

Amazingly, I have gotten positive feedback. Not that I have asked for it, but I’m realizing maybe all of the judgement and expectation I have always felt was just my head being it’s cruel self.

Finding myself

I think I am finally figuring out who I am.

I have always had anxiety. I have always been incredibly shy. I have always had low self esteem. I have always been a people pleaser. I have always cared too much about the opinions of others.

All of this has always kept me from expressing myself. It has kept me from being who might be the true me. I still don’t know who that person is but I’m excited to be free enough to try to finally find her.

Last year I dyed colorful streaks in my hair. This is something I’ve always wanted but been too afraid to do because I feel like I would be judged negatively. Even if people weren’t actually judging me I felt that judgment. It is something I’ve always done. I perceive every thing as a judgment. I’m pretty sure it stems from the anxiety issues.

So this and the shyness has always kept me from doing things that draw attention. Like dying my hair fun colors.

I’ve made it a goal this year to step out of that comfort zone.

I am dying the tips of my hair purple soon.

I even got a tattoo. Something I have wanted to do since I was fairly young. Every time I got to a point where I might actually get one that perceived judgment would sneak in and make me change my mind.

Enough is enough though.

To see change in my life I have to be the change.

So, that is what I am doing this year.

So far I’ve managed to feel happier than I have in a very long time. My moods have been fairly stable lately, which helps I think.