I think I am finally figuring out who I am.
I have always had anxiety. I have always been incredibly shy. I have always had low self esteem. I have always been a people pleaser. I have always cared too much about the opinions of others.
All of this has always kept me from expressing myself. It has kept me from being who might be the true me. I still don’t know who that person is but I’m excited to be free enough to try to finally find her.
Last year I dyed colorful streaks in my hair. This is something I’ve always wanted but been too afraid to do because I feel like I would be judged negatively. Even if people weren’t actually judging me I felt that judgment. It is something I’ve always done. I perceive every thing as a judgment. I’m pretty sure it stems from the anxiety issues.
So this and the shyness has always kept me from doing things that draw attention. Like dying my hair fun colors.
I’ve made it a goal this year to step out of that comfort zone.
I am dying the tips of my hair purple soon.
I even got a tattoo. Something I have wanted to do since I was fairly young. Every time I got to a point where I might actually get one that perceived judgment would sneak in and make me change my mind.
Enough is enough though.
To see change in my life I have to be the change.
So, that is what I am doing this year.
So far I’ve managed to feel happier than I have in a very long time. My moods have been fairly stable lately, which helps I think.
This is so huge!
SO STINKING HUGE!
Mr. K has had food aversion since he was a toddler. He has never been very willing to try much new stuff that didn’t fit directly into the bread or chicken nugget group. He has added and lost a few things he will eat over the years and cycled back on a couple, but for the most part, he only has three foods he eats regularly. Biscuits. Cinnamon rolls. Tyson dinosaur chicken nuggets.
This kid who has only had a handful of foods he could even look at, who gags at the smell of most everything, and who can hardly even sit at the same table with these different foods tried rice and gravy!
He sat down with the plate in front of him and stared. He picked up a morsel of rice and placed it on his tongue. I told him not to overthink it because he would just psyche himself out. He took a bite and quickly spit it back out. He took another bite and actually chewed before spitting it back out. He took a third bite and, again, chewed before spitting it back out. I know he wanted to like it. He tried so hard, he just couldn’t bring himself to. Still, he tried one of the foods he hasn’t eaten since he was a year old. He tried, and that is what matters.
It took everything in me not to cry while watching him take this huge step. I am so incredibly proud of this little man. He has made claims that he would like to start trying new things. He did attempt to take a bite of a banana not too long ago. It went a bit worse than this.
Looks like he and I need to take a trip to the store to let him look and feel different things and see what he wants to try next!