Giving of Thanks

It is Thanksgiving week.

Boy has this year flown.

This year has been a tough one.

I’ve had more down episodes with my depression and anxiety this year than I have had in a long while.

It’s been a rollercoaster. I fell to the lowest point I had ever been in years.

Those suicidal thoughts crept back in.

It was hard seeing story after story of people’s suicides and addiction battle as well. And the movement for sexual abuse survivors. It was all very triggering. The many, many posts being shared, that I would inevitably read, sent me back into that dark place. All the memories, all the pain came bubbling to the surface.

It got to the point my husband even talked about going to the hospital.

I feel bad for putting him through that too. I imagine it’s also pretty darn hard to sit on the outside watching someone you care about suffer and being helpless to really help them. And the kids as well having to deal with my short tempered, snappy self.

I am very Thankful for them, though. My husband has come a long way in recent years, and he truly does everything he knows how to help me through the bad days. He also bought me a puppy which has had me focused and happy, because well, puppies make everyone happy.

I am Thankful for my kids. While they might annoy the living daylights out of me, I know my life would be empty without them.

I am Thankful for my mom. She goes above and beyond for us always. I don’t know what I’d do without her.

I am Thankful for my sweet little puppy. He is the cutest and sweetest little thing. I love dogs!!

I am Thankful for my friends, especially the best friend who always sends me inappropriate yet hilarious memes that keep me smiling through the day.

Find things to be Thankful for in your day. Even if it’s something small. Do it every day, not just on Thanksgiving.

I hope you all have a Wonderful Thanksgiving with your families and friends.

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It’s been rough..

The last couple months parricularly.

My demons have been winning. I am fighting but desperately losing.

I’ve been stressing over reauthorization so the kid can get back into his therapy group.

Said kid has been, well let’s be honest, a complete arse at school so far.

It’s like he is taking this preteen angst, I don’t care about anything, ugh! My life sucks, I can do whatever the heck I want business and completely milking it for all its worth.

He has 80s movie teen angst down pat, let’s just say that.

He is barely even into this tweenagedom. What gives?!

I don’t know what to do. His teachee keeps asking for ideas but, really, I have none. Right now we are just along for the ride waiting for something to give. What can you do? Hold on and hope it doesn’t last long? Wait out the moment it is outgrown?

Are all tweenagers like this? Maybe just not as extreme?

We’re learning as we go. Blatantly failing but learning.

And just hoping we all come out unscathed.

All the while, I am trying not to drown in darkness.

‘Tis my life though

I’m struggling…

I’ve been teetering on the edge of that deep dark pit. I’ve felt it for weeks. My anxiety has been at an all time high. I’ve been struggling to not fall in. It is taking everything I have to just get by. I am going through the motions on auto-pilot. It’s a constant cycle. Just when things seem to shine with light I’m hit with that darkness.

Reading about another high profile suicide hasn’t helped. I am heartbroken. Again, it hits way too close to home.

I’m not actively suicidal at the moment, but I’ve been there. I’ve fought with those thoughts and feelings. I’ve faced those demons. I’ve struggled with the desire to just have the pain end. To be able to finally find some peace.

It’s still hard to shake that feeling of loneliness. That’s what depression does. It lies to you. It tells you that you are alone even when you are surrounded. It tells you that you don’t deserve the people who care about you. Or that the people you care about would be better off without you.

Yet, here I am, wearing my all too familiar mask. Playing out the act I perfected as a child. The one that tells the world I am ok. The one that tells the world I have it all together. The fake smile, the fake laughs, the fake happiness.

This part of the cycle is always hard. I am lucky to have a fairly good support system at home. He helps me through the struggle. He pushes me to keep fighting every time. He forces me to keep my balance on this edge without letting me fall too far in.

I will be ok again. I will continue to fight my demons as long as I can.

We need to be more open about mental illness. Not be afraid of our struggles. It’s okay to not be okay.

If you are struggling, please, open up. Ask for help. Talk to someone. Talk to me.

This is a safe place.

“Dare to reach out your hand into darkness, to pull another hand into light.” – Norman B. Rice