Giving of Thanks

It is Thanksgiving week.

Boy has this year flown.

This year has been a tough one.

I’ve had more down episodes with my depression and anxiety this year than I have had in a long while.

It’s been a rollercoaster. I fell to the lowest point I had ever been in years.

Those suicidal thoughts crept back in.

It was hard seeing story after story of people’s suicides and addiction battle as well. And the movement for sexual abuse survivors. It was all very triggering. The many, many posts being shared, that I would inevitably read, sent me back into that dark place. All the memories, all the pain came bubbling to the surface.

It got to the point my husband even talked about going to the hospital.

I feel bad for putting him through that too. I imagine it’s also pretty darn hard to sit on the outside watching someone you care about suffer and being helpless to really help them. And the kids as well having to deal with my short tempered, snappy self.

I am very Thankful for them, though. My husband has come a long way in recent years, and he truly does everything he knows how to help me through the bad days. He also bought me a puppy which has had me focused and happy, because well, puppies make everyone happy.

I am Thankful for my kids. While they might annoy the living daylights out of me, I know my life would be empty without them.

I am Thankful for my mom. She goes above and beyond for us always. I don’t know what I’d do without her.

I am Thankful for my sweet little puppy. He is the cutest and sweetest little thing. I love dogs!!

I am Thankful for my friends, especially the best friend who always sends me inappropriate yet hilarious memes that keep me smiling through the day.

Find things to be Thankful for in your day. Even if it’s something small. Do it every day, not just on Thanksgiving.

I hope you all have a Wonderful Thanksgiving with your families and friends.

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Why a good day is a big deal..

Most people who have neurotypical children won’t understand the joys we take in the every day stuff.

I’m not going to lie, this school year has started out rough. Mr. K has been in rare form. He’s being disruptive, argumentative, and refusing to do his work.

I complained about it in a previous post, I know.

I’m still not sure why. He is officially a pre-teen though.

Anyway, for the neurotypical person, you just sort of expect good days. Most people seem to have “easy” kids when it comes to school and things. Not saying my kid is bad, because he’s really not, but he can be difficult. He’s highly stubborn and too smart for his own good.

So, this school year has gotten off to a rocky start. We’re lucky he has awesome teachers. They’re understanding and willing to try to figure out the root of his problem and help him help himself. So, they are trying a new little system where each class, the teacher writes whether he had a good or bad period and of he did his work. Let’s just say the start of the week was filled with a lot of negative. But, and it was just one day, Friday was a good day. Like, every class period was great!

It may not seem like it if you don’t understand the adhd/autism/tween years struggle, but this is a huge deal. For us, anyway.

I know there is still a way to go and he is likely to have a rough week again mext week but I know he can do it. He knows he can do it. All we can do is hope for the best with the little system and hope he realizes this is the route that will make it all easier for him.

Here’s the sheet grom Friday, yes, I’m bragging a little.

Finding myself

I think I am finally figuring out who I am.

I have always had anxiety. I have always been incredibly shy. I have always had low self esteem. I have always been a people pleaser. I have always cared too much about the opinions of others.

All of this has always kept me from expressing myself. It has kept me from being who might be the true me. I still don’t know who that person is but I’m excited to be free enough to try to finally find her.

Last year I dyed colorful streaks in my hair. This is something I’ve always wanted but been too afraid to do because I feel like I would be judged negatively. Even if people weren’t actually judging me I felt that judgment. It is something I’ve always done. I perceive every thing as a judgment. I’m pretty sure it stems from the anxiety issues.

So this and the shyness has always kept me from doing things that draw attention. Like dying my hair fun colors.

I’ve made it a goal this year to step out of that comfort zone.

I am dying the tips of my hair purple soon.

I even got a tattoo. Something I have wanted to do since I was fairly young. Every time I got to a point where I might actually get one that perceived judgment would sneak in and make me change my mind.

Enough is enough though.

To see change in my life I have to be the change.

So, that is what I am doing this year.

So far I’ve managed to feel happier than I have in a very long time. My moods have been fairly stable lately, which helps I think.

Sorry I have been M.I.A

Is it Spring yet?

I am so over Winter.

We have been dealing with another bought of flu, colds, and allergies. Every one in my house (except the oldest) has been sick with something. We have made three trips to the doctor in just two weeks. I’m done. I am over this season of yucky weather, germ, and sickness.

I am trying to trick my house into thinking it’s an early Spring. I’ve begun the decorating for Spring and Easter. I thought it was working too, but my girl came home today complaining of stomach ache and earache. I’m hoping it’s just a fluke.

In the meantime I’ve been on a disinfecting rampage along with the decorating.

I’m hoping to get everyone better and get back on track with the posting.