I think I am finally figuring out who I am.
I have always had anxiety. I have always been incredibly shy. I have always had low self esteem. I have always been a people pleaser. I have always cared too much about the opinions of others.
All of this has always kept me from expressing myself. It has kept me from being who might be the true me. I still don’t know who that person is but I’m excited to be free enough to try to finally find her.
Last year I dyed colorful streaks in my hair. This is something I’ve always wanted but been too afraid to do because I feel like I would be judged negatively. Even if people weren’t actually judging me I felt that judgment. It is something I’ve always done. I perceive every thing as a judgment. I’m pretty sure it stems from the anxiety issues.
So this and the shyness has always kept me from doing things that draw attention. Like dying my hair fun colors.
I’ve made it a goal this year to step out of that comfort zone.
I am dying the tips of my hair purple soon.
I even got a tattoo. Something I have wanted to do since I was fairly young. Every time I got to a point where I might actually get one that perceived judgment would sneak in and make me change my mind.
Enough is enough though.
To see change in my life I have to be the change.
So, that is what I am doing this year.
So far I’ve managed to feel happier than I have in a very long time. My moods have been fairly stable lately, which helps I think.
Is it Spring yet?
I am so over Winter.
We have been dealing with another bought of flu, colds, and allergies. Every one in my house (except the oldest) has been sick with something. We have made three trips to the doctor in just two weeks. I’m done. I am over this season of yucky weather, germ, and sickness.
I am trying to trick my house into thinking it’s an early Spring. I’ve begun the decorating for Spring and Easter. I thought it was working too, but my girl came home today complaining of stomach ache and earache. I’m hoping it’s just a fluke.
In the meantime I’ve been on a disinfecting rampage along with the decorating.
I’m hoping to get everyone better and get back on track with the posting.
It isn’t very pretty. I struggle with balance. Depending on the trigger I either overeat for comfort or restrict out of emotional pain.
I have never found a happy medium. When stress over takes me and I feel the dip I turn to food for solace. I don’t really get comfort from it though because too many years of abusing food has wreaked havoc on my body. I am overweight, sluggish, and tired all of the time. I have always struggled with body image and self esteem issues as well so it only keeps me in a constant state of self loathing and hate. Then I tend to flip the switch and restrict food for a while because that worked for me when I was a teen. Or so is how I felt.
It is a vicious cycle.
Every year I say the same. This year is my year. I will break the cycle and overcome. I will lose the weight, and every year ends the same. I stay stuck in the cycle.
I stay stressed, with raising babies and dealing with my own self. I continue to eat my pain and feelings. And I stay down. I stay sad. I stay tired.
Yet, here we are again. New year, new me. Right?
I’m still working on it. But, I really am tired of it all. I really want to break this cycle. I want to find my happy again.
Thus, part of the reason I decided to start this blogging thing to begin with. As a sort of journaling therapy for myself.
Here’s to a new me. Maybe?
I live in the South. Louisiana to be exact. We don’t really do Winter down here. We are used to only having one random day in January that would be considered Winter weather. This week we have had 5 days. It has gotten into the teens. There has been ice and snow. In Louisiana! This was our second snow day this Winter. Our state shut down. Schools and businesses were closed.
Y’all. Lousianians have been going crazy. We don’t know what to do with ourselves. We have been cooped up in our homes complaining on social media about power outages and water problems.
These crazy little turkeys of mine haven’t been to school all week. We have been in close quarters this whole time. I admit I allowed them to have way more screen time than they should but they just don’t do well with this much togetherness. None of us do.
The kids get antsy. They argue. They annoy each other. They whine. As kids do.
But.. we have survived. I managed to not go completely crazy this week. My mental status has been fairly level as well. Which is a miracle because I had no coffee or Dr Pepper this entire week. My two major lifelines.
Maybe we’re finally getting the hang of this.
Still, Mother Nature… go home. We have had our fill of Winter weather. It’s time to get us warmed again.
Wow! I cannot believe that this year only has a few hours left. It has been a great year overall. I decided to try my hand at this blogging thing. My youngest turkey started school. My oldest turkey started (and has been rocking) the medicine to help his ADHD. He also started Middle School!
We had some mini adventures over the summer. New foods were tried, friends were made, and experiences hopefully cemented into our lasting memories.
We are celebrating tonight by watching New Years shows, eating too much, and watching the fireworks our neighbors pop. It is sort of our tradition as it is usually too cold on New Years Eve to do much and the kids pass out early. We are snuggled together in pajamas and blankets. We do have some noise makers and party hats to get into the spirit of things, though. Our partying usually ends by ten o’clock at the latajama
We have said our goodbyes to 2017 and we are excited to see what 2018 holds.
I am not big on resolutions but I hope next year to be better. I want to make memories with my babies. I want to be there and be present with them. I want to go on adventures and learn new things.
So Farewell 2017.
Wishing you all a Happy New Year! May all your dreams and wishes come true!
“And we’ll talk a cup of kindess yet for Auld Lang Syne!”
What are your New Years Traditions and do you make resolutions? Share them below!
We don’t have a lot of traditions. I have never been too good at that. My family never had traditions while I was growing up. My husband isn’t really a hands on person so he doesn’t really do much with us anyway. So, it falls solely on me to try to figure this out and create traditions for my children.
I play Christmas music and we watch just about every Christmas movie ever made throughout the season. We go looking at lights and stop at Sonic for junk food supper afterwards. We do the elf thing. We only open one present on Christmas Eve. We bake cookies and decorate them together. Which is very hard for me because the kids make a mess and of course the cookies come out looking all crazy. They don’t care though. It is just fun for them.
This year, I thought we could try our hand at a gingerbread house. Apparently, one must have patience for building those things. You have yo wait for the icing to dry and harden a bit for it to really stick. As we mostly know, patience is not a strong suit in small children. Especially Preschool aged children. All thought of a beautifully crafted and decorated gingerbread house went out the window. We compromised though. We created a story for the rubble and added a dinosaur for fun! I think the kids loved this version more.
It sure is memorable.
I asked a few friends what their traditions are. They sure have great ideas. One person said their family does a scavenger hunt to find their gifts!
I would love any more suggestions.
What are your families holiday traditions? Even if you do not celebrate Christmas, I’d love to hear!
I am one of those ‘Christmas Obsessed’ types.
Like most stores, I start Christmas decorating around Halloween. You could say I follow a retail schedule when it comes to holiday decorating.
This drives my Autistic Turkey cray cray. He believes each holiday should have it’s due time. He has been fussing me since October twenty-seventh when my trees went up.
Mind you, I only had the trees up and not fully decorated or any other decor out until November first. I just can’t help myself. The glow of the lights just make me so happy. I mean, genuinely happy. The soft glow gives me a calm and puts joy in my heart.
Unfortunately, my poor big turkey does not feel the same. He is doing a little better now that it is finally December. He has made it known that when he is grown and on his own he will decorate for each holiday when it is the time and not before. He is still sad I did not really give any thought to Turkey Day decorating. I am sorry kid. I like having a tree and Christmas decor up for Thanksgiving.
Other than that he is handling the holidays very well this year. He is doing amazing in school. Usually by this time he is burnt out and starting to act out at school and his grades suffer. I guess Middle School is just his place.