I have an announcent!!

We have added a new member to our family!

A furry, four pawed, hunk of floof.

Yes, We got a Puppy!

I haven’t been this genuinely happy in a long time.

Much like a newborn, he sleeps a lot, but we are up every few hours in the night right now for bathroom breaks. So, I’m a little tired.

I’ve been really excited for his arrival and I have noticed my mood staying pretty steady.

Not sure if I’ve just been in a good place or I’m just extrememly happy for this little puppy. Either way, things have been going well.

Who knew a puppy was just what I needed!

Lots of adorableness below

Will the real me please stand up?

Who am I?

I don’t really know.

The past few years I have been working on figuring that out.

I’ve spent my whole life never feeling like I belonged in my body or my own life. I have always felt out of place. And I have always tried to be what I felt society, my family, friends, peers expected.

I couldn’t allow myself the freedom to be whatever real me there was bubbling at the surface. I cared far too much about others opinions or my perceived notion of those opinions.

I spent a lot of time growing up disassociating. I would feel like I was a bystander watching my life live out. I would lose hours. I felt like I wasn’t really me within that existence. Then I would snap out of that haze and be shocked by reality. It was dizzying and sometimes frightening. Or I would get so lost in a daydream of a different life, a life I felt was more befitting, then I would be pulled back abrubtly to reality.

I never knew what it was then. I never told anyone about it. As I grew older those moments happened less. I made conscience effort to be in the real world. Then, I put allI had into fitting into the box if what I should be.

So, I spent my life trying to be those things I perceived society said I should be.

As an adult it is still hard not to fall into those habits. I still feel as if I am supposed to be in that box, but I am trying to be more me. Whoever she is. I have been enjoying the things I like without worrying too much how others would think of it. I have been dying my hair different colors and trying out different hairstyles. I’m choosing clothing that I like and feel comfortable in. I try different makeup colors when I actually wear it.

Amazingly, I have gotten positive feedback. Not that I have asked for it, but I’m realizing maybe all of the judgement and expectation I have always felt was just my head being it’s cruel self.

Sorry I have been M.I.A

Is it Spring yet?

I am so over Winter.

We have been dealing with another bought of flu, colds, and allergies. Every one in my house (except the oldest) has been sick with something. We have made three trips to the doctor in just two weeks. I’m done. I am over this season of yucky weather, germ, and sickness.

I am trying to trick my house into thinking it’s an early Spring. I’ve begun the decorating for Spring and Easter. I thought it was working too, but my girl came home today complaining of stomach ache and earache. I’m hoping it’s just a fluke.

In the meantime I’ve been on a disinfecting rampage along with the decorating.

I’m hoping to get everyone better and get back on track with the posting.

Today I celebrate life, but my heart is heavy.

Today is my youngest son’s birthday. I rejoice in this day. I go out of my way every year to make my kids feel extra special on their birthdays. No matter how much money we have, what is stressing me, or what is going on in our lives. I decorate our table with party ware, hang birthday banners, either cook their favorite breakfast or surprise them with donuts. I give them a couple of gifts and sing Happy Birthday. Every year. It isn’t much but they love it.

I love their innocence. I want to keep that magic alive for them as long as possible.

We had had a rough couple of birthdays for this little guy. Money has been tight in years past, dad was working out of state, Pop Pop died the week prior. Even through these difficult times I put on a happy face and wrap him up in all my love.

That blind innocence gets harder to keep alive each year. At school not too long ago, they had a gun safety course. One day this month they have drill for what to do if there is a shooting at their school. My sweet little innocent (now) seven year old came home asking if we have guns in the house and what he should do if he found one. It broke my heart that he has that on his mind and heart. In light of recent events, I am even more sad.

It breaks my heart that my kids are growing up in a world where we have to have safety drills for a school shooter. Or a  world where we have to worry about little kids getting the family gun, bringing it to school, and accidentally shooting a classmate. We live in a world where people stalk mothers in parking lots and grocery stores trying to steal their children away to sell them to the highest bidder. A world where people go to night clubs, festivals, and concerts and open fire or set off bombs on people just trying to have a good time. Our world has gone to hell in a handbasket.

This world is the one my children are growing up in. I fear for them every single day. Each birthday signifies one step closer to when they are thrust out into this big bad world all on their own.

For now though, there is nothing I can do but love them and hold them a little longer, hug them a little tighter. Most of all, I can appreciate the moments I have with them.

Surgery, an Eclipse, and Hurricanes… Oh my!

August turned out to be an eventful month for us. The kids went back to school, I ended up in the hospital, we survived the Eclipse without going blind, and rode out the hurricane in our house.

Back to school for the big boys went off without a hitch. We got them dropped off for the first day with no tears. The day was off to a great start. My mom, baby girl, and I decided to hang out together until it was time for the boys to get out of school. Well, my body had other plans. I got incredibly sick and was in so much pain, I ended up in the hospital. Four hours in the emergency room, I finally received pain meds and a diagnosis. It was my gallbladder. It wasn’t doing so well and was making some of my other organs not fair so well either. I ended up with an infected gallbladder, liver, and pancreas. Also, my gallbladder was full of stones. So my four hours in the ER turned into four days in the hospital. We had to get the infections under control before I could have my surgery to remove the gallbladder. My surgery day ended up on the day my sweet girl started Pre-K!

Thursday came and I was still in the hospital waiting to have my surgery so my mom got to be the one to get Princess Diva ready for her very first day of school. She got to bring her into her first classroom, to leave her with her first teacher, and her first school classroom of new little friends. I am still sad I missed out but we got lots of pictures to document the day. Miss Princess Diva rocked her first day of school too! She had a fabulous day and didn’t cry at all. She has had awesome days since, as well.

I came home that Friday and the kids were great with me. They all understood I was hurting and to take it easy. That Monday we had the eclipse. Which was pretty uneventful for us because we didn’t really get to see much of it from my spot in the world. So we survived the eclipse unscathed to have another threat lurking.

Ole Hurricane Harvey was beckoning. We spent a week unsure of where he was headed and trying to figure out what we should do. It is very stressful during Hurricane season especially when there is possibility of them making landfall near your home. It is basically a waiting game until right when it hits because they are so unpredictable. The kids ended up being out of school for three days and we were stuck inside for the duration. Luckily, we survived the Hurricane unscathed as well. Surrounding areas received some damage but my little spot only had some tree limbs fall.

Suffice it to say, I am so glad August is done. I know the weather threats aren’t finished just yet but hopefully we make it through without anymore this season.

In the mean time, I am enjoying the cool front headed in and the cooler, more Fall like weather it brings, as we return to normalcy after an eventful month.

Almost time to say goodbye to Summer…

We have actually had a relatively great summer together, the kids and I. Sure, they have fought and drove me crazy. I have lost my cool. There has been some yelling and crying. By me and the kids. But we survived.

I can tell it is the ending of summer vacation though. Everyone is stir crazy and tired of each other. The anxiety levels are up. We are all becoming short tempered with each other. We need a break from our summer break.

It is hard when you are mostly stuck inside with each other all day. It has been way too hot to really do much outside for long periods of time. We don’t have a pool or a good water hose to do any water play. The parks around here aren’t very shady. Our little city doesn’t offer much entertainment wise for families either. Normally they would have spent a good bit of the summer at their grandma’s house but she has a houseguest that is keeping the kids from being able to go over. They didn’t get to go swimming at their other grandma’s apartment complex because that pool has been broken all summer.

We did get that little prehistoric adventure and had a couple birthday parties sprinkled in over the last couple months. Overall though, it has been a slow, boring summer.

I wish there were more kids in our neighborhood and that neighbors were all friendly with each other out here. When I was growing up I knew and played with everyone down my street. I was surrounded my family and cousins though. Built in friends there. I feel bad we don’t know any of our neighbors down the road. Even so, Only one has any school age children. At least the bus only stops at one other house down the road besides out next door neighbor.

So they have me and they have each other. That is about it. So together we have been. Inside playing games and watching way too much television.

At least when school starts again they will get to see different faces every day.