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First blog post

Here goes nothing.

I need an outlet for the day to day struggles of being a mom and wife. I have depression and anxiety on top of trying to raise four children. I feel like blogging may be a therapeutic experience for me and a good way to reach out to anyone else facing similar struggles.

“It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply.”

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Why a good day is a big deal..

Most people who have neurotypical children won’t understand the joys we take in the every day stuff.

I’m not going to lie, this school year has started out rough. Mr. K has been in rare form. He’s being disruptive, argumentative, and refusing to do his work.

I complained about it in a previous post, I know.

I’m still not sure why. He is officially a pre-teen though.

Anyway, for the neurotypical person, you just sort of expect good days. Most people seem to have “easy” kids when it comes to school and things. Not saying my kid is bad, because he’s really not, but he can be difficult. He’s highly stubborn and too smart for his own good.

So, this school year has gotten off to a rocky start. We’re lucky he has awesome teachers. They’re understanding and willing to try to figure out the root of his problem and help him help himself. So, they are trying a new little system where each class, the teacher writes whether he had a good or bad period and of he did his work. Let’s just say the start of the week was filled with a lot of negative. But, and it was just one day, Friday was a good day. Like, every class period was great!

It may not seem like it if you don’t understand the adhd/autism/tween years struggle, but this is a huge deal. For us, anyway.

I know there is still a way to go and he is likely to have a rough week again mext week but I know he can do it. He knows he can do it. All we can do is hope for the best with the little system and hope he realizes this is the route that will make it all easier for him.

Here’s the sheet grom Friday, yes, I’m bragging a little.

It’s been rough..

The last couple months parricularly.

My demons have been winning. I am fighting but desperately losing.

I’ve been stressing over reauthorization so the kid can get back into his therapy group.

Said kid has been, well let’s be honest, a complete arse at school so far.

It’s like he is taking this preteen angst, I don’t care about anything, ugh! My life sucks, I can do whatever the heck I want business and completely milking it for all its worth.

He has 80s movie teen angst down pat, let’s just say that.

He is barely even into this tweenagedom. What gives?!

I don’t know what to do. His teachee keeps asking for ideas but, really, I have none. Right now we are just along for the ride waiting for something to give. What can you do? Hold on and hope it doesn’t last long? Wait out the moment it is outgrown?

Are all tweenagers like this? Maybe just not as extreme?

We’re learning as we go. Blatantly failing but learning.

And just hoping we all come out unscathed.

All the while, I am trying not to drown in darkness.

‘Tis my life though

I took a shower today…

I took a shower today.

That statement may not seem like much to someone who doesn’t battle mental illness, but for me it’s pretty big.

I sat on my bed for two hours trying to will myself to just take a shower. Trying to muster up enough energy to gather my clothes and walk to the bathroom.

Now, I’m exhausted again.

Exhausted from the constant battle that has been raging in my head and overtaking me for the last couple of months.

Now, I have fought with mental illness for as long as I can remember, but these past few months have been hard.

I’m not exactly sure qhat triggered it initally but I’ve been living in a constant loop of all my past unresolved trauma.

I have tried, recently, to talk about it. I have finally started to share my story but in doing so, I’ve been looping and reliving every incident.

It has been taking every thing I have to just barely stay afloat. Every time I feel like I may reach solid ground and find my footing I am pulled out further into the deepness.

I am tired. I am drained. I am utterly exhausted.

I have to fight my head everyday to get up. I have people who are counting on me and I can’t even count on myself.

I don’t want to talk anymore… I just want to escape.

My Depression and Friendships…

I recently reconnected with an old friend and we had an outing for the first time since today. As I was sitting, talking with her it made me reflect on my relationships with my friends and how my depression has occasionally caused rifts along the way.

Just about every single true friendship I have has had a falling out at some point. Sometimes it was months, others years. I’m not blaming it solely on my depression, I am at fault more often then not, but looking back I see how the timing of the fights were coinciding with my being in the pits of that brokenness.

See when it hits me hard, I break. I start to immediately put up the walls and shut down internally. On the outside though, I seem put together. I’m not sure why but the more broken I am the more I need my outward appearance to seek perfection. Contradictory as it may be, I guess it gives me some sense of control. When I am striving to keep this perceived perfection though, I am completely broken.

This has caused some issues along the way. I go into the mode of striving for perfection all the while feeling completely imperfect. My mind tells me those around me couldn’t possibly like, let alone love the true me. The me that is broken. I don’t necessarily believe they’d be better off but I do believe they deserve anyone who is not me, because anyone would be better than the me I don’t let people see. So I push them away. I sabotage the friendships in one way or another. Not completely intentionally but I know it hurts. in my quest to save them from nothing that is my existence I have to hurt them. It’s not always a grand fight. Sometimes it’s just little things that build to the point where they finally leave and sometimes I step away and won’t let them back in because I need to hurt without them.

I’ve been lucky, though. Somehow and for some reason they always eventually see through my façade and accept me back and we can jump back in like nothing every happened.  There is a long period in between though and I tend to start thinking they got smart and let me go but it always seems like just when I need them, they reach out somehow.

Now, not all of my friendships have been through this. The closest of close ones have suffered this fate, unfortunately. I guess it’s my sense of not being able to be vulnerable enough to truly let them see me, and once it starts to happen I go into fight or flight mode to survive. It sucks I bring them down with me for a while though. I’ve always felt I’m not good at this friendship thing but I guess there’s something worth being my friend for.

Anyway, thanks my loves for always coming back to me. I know sometimes it’s difficult to love me.

Summer, where did you go?

This Summer has gone by so fast. This year is flying by really. I guess because we have been staying fairly busy, with appointments, cheer practice, tumbling class, and family birthday parties. This has been, probably, our busiest Summer yet.

We aren’t really go places people. We don’t do Summer family vacations because we just can’t afford them. There aren’t a lot of options for entertainment in our little neck of the woods either. I expect life to continue to get busy though as the smallest Turkey boy is showing interest in sports and baby girl is all about Cheerleading.

We have just about a month left of Summer. We are already starting to transition to back to school mode. Working on getting back on more of a schedule, getting back into our morning and afternoon school year routines. We have just about finished all the back to school shopping, too.

And yet, I’m actually kind of sad. This Summer has also been the best Summer we’ve all had together in a long time. For the most part, everyone got along. Everyone was happy with each others company. We’ve enjoyed outside time together. We’ve done a couple crafts and painting without driving each other crazy over it.

We’ve never really been great at being together. Too many conflicting personalities.

We’re not quite ready to say goodbye to Summer just yet, but it will be here before long.

Happy Birthday ‘Murica!

Happy Independence Day American followers.

I hope you all enjoyed your bbqs, swim fests, beach trips, family time, and good old ‘Murican celebrating.

Be careful this evening popping fireworks, especially those who have been drinking today. We don’t want anyone to lose fingers or limbs.

We’ve had a pretty relaxed day. I got my new dishwasher hooked up. I haven’t had a dishwasher in seven years. This is pretty exciting for me. We baked some fish because our grill is out of gas, and took some patriotic photos of my youngest. The boy Turkeys have been holed up indoors on their electronics the majority of the day, but it’s the first time in a week they’ve been on so they have some time to make up for.

We aren’t doing fireworks tonight. Honestly, we never do foreworks. They’re stressful for us. Mr. K can only handle the loud noise for so long and the youngest has been scared of them in years past. Plus, people all over our neighborhood set them off all week long. We have a pack of sparklers to light and we will sit outside for a while and watch the ones in the neighborhood for a little bit.

Overall, it’s been a good day.

My mood is in check, Mr. K has been pretty level all day, the little ones are getting along. That’s all we can ask for.

How are you spending your day?

12 years

12 years I’ve grown from being a kid myself
12 years I’ve screwed up
12 years I’ve learned
12 years I’ve cared for another human being
12 years I’ve sacrificed
12 years I’ve fought for someone other than myself
12 years I’ve put myself last
12 years I’ve worried
12 years I’ve cried tears of joy and tears of sadness
12 years I’ve been scared
12 years I’ve had my heart walk around outside my body
12 years I’ve loved unconditionally a tiny person before I ever met them

12 years I’ve been a mom

Happy Momversary to me but more importantly….

Happy Birthday My Darling K!