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First blog post

Here goes nothing.

I need an outlet for the day to day struggles of being a mom and wife. I have depression and anxiety on top of trying to raise four children. I feel like blogging may be a therapeutic experience for me and a good way to reach out to anyone else facing similar struggles.

“It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply.”

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Schools out for Summer…

Well, technically they have a couple days but I rarely send them the last week so we are done. Finished. Finite!

Summer is always stressful for me because we are all together in close quarters. The kids tend to not listen. They fight with each other. They make messes they don’t pick up. It’s all a lot to deal with.

As I’ve said before I don’t handle stress very well, and all of them home all day stressing each other out stresses me out.

Yesterday was our first day of Summer and it went pretty well at first,  but by the end of the day we were all maxed out. They weren’t listening, I had to yell to get them to do anything. It was a little rough.

There isn’t much to do in our area, as for family activities. We have a few small splash pads and parks but they aren’t very big and after a while it gets boring. I guess since they are finally older we may have to start going to the bigger cities around us to find some entertainment.

Anyway, we are ready to take Summer head on. I know I will stress a lot having them all home, as I always do, but hopefully this one goes better than usual. I’ve been doing pretty well and having more better days. The husband is back on his regular schedule so he will be around more, too. That helps as he is surprisingly good emotional support.

I want to have as many good days as possible. I want my little Turkeys to remember a happy mom. I want their memories to good ones.

I know it has been quiet lately

I’ve been busy. Distracted. Happy.

Well as happy as I can be. I’m still not quite sure what happy truly is. Sure, I’ve had fleeting moments of happiness or something resembling it. It never stays though.

It has been a busy couple of months. We finished out our first year of dance and full year of tumbling. We had our first dance recital and gym show. The last week of that was hectic but worth it. The kids did fantastic and it was great to see all their hard work pay off.

We have all been sick off an on for the last month also. So that’s kept us busy trying to get everyone healthy again. These allergies really kick our butts.

I’ve been in planning mode for the littlest turkey’s birthday party. I truly enjoy planning these parties so it’s always a nice distraction.

So the hustle and bustle of the last month or so has had me in good spirits. When I’m busy I have less time to live in my head and let that dark cloud hang over my head.

Now that things are settling down some I can feel it. I’ve had a lingering sadness following me the last few days. I’ve felt its presence slowly creeping in. I’m trying hard to keep it at bay but it’s a fight I don’t always win.

Happy Easter followers!

Wishing you all a Hoppingly swell Easter tomorrow. A happy day spent with family or friends. May you all eat to much, laugh too much, and enjoy your toothaches from too much candy.

I don’t follow religions, but for those who do, May your day be Blessed.

We spent our Easter Eve playing outside, tending our plants, and dying eggs. We are all anxiously awaiting a certain bunny’s arrival. The Easter Bunny generally leaves more goodies and small toys in our baskets and just a few candies.

We will watch Hop, hunt eggs, and eat way to much! I can’t wait until tomorrow.

Does your family have any special traditions?

Shout out to my husband

I have to give him a shout out.

He’s been here for me through the ups and downs and the highs and lows.

He reads the articles I send him that describe my mental illness more fluidly than I ever could. He is willing to learn everything he can to be better for me when I need him.

Even though I usually don’t openly come to him. I tend to take my emotional pain and struggle out on him. I internalize.

Still, he is there. He recognizes. He bugs me until I open up even just a little.

Yesterday I wasn’t feeling well. I wasn’t sick but I’m still learning what foods I can handle since my gallbladder removal and the food I ate the day before was not one of them. Well, I was not eating. I was acting uninterested in eating and I was being kind of mopey.

He offered me food. He offered to make or go to town to get me food. He offered to share his food. I refused. He became concerned. He asked if I was feeling down and depressed and maybe that was why I was feeling funky.

I cleared it up that it was just tummy troubles and everything was well currently. He still set me up in bed to relax and binge watch my show and not be bothered, just in case.

I really don’t give this man enough credit.

Finding myself

I think I am finally figuring out who I am.

I have always had anxiety. I have always been incredibly shy. I have always had low self esteem. I have always been a people pleaser. I have always cared too much about the opinions of others.

All of this has always kept me from expressing myself. It has kept me from being who might be the true me. I still don’t know who that person is but I’m excited to be free enough to try to finally find her.

Last year I dyed colorful streaks in my hair. This is something I’ve always wanted but been too afraid to do because I feel like I would be judged negatively. Even if people weren’t actually judging me I felt that judgment. It is something I’ve always done. I perceive every thing as a judgment. I’m pretty sure it stems from the anxiety issues.

So this and the shyness has always kept me from doing things that draw attention. Like dying my hair fun colors.

I’ve made it a goal this year to step out of that comfort zone.

I am dying the tips of my hair purple soon.

I even got a tattoo. Something I have wanted to do since I was fairly young. Every time I got to a point where I might actually get one that perceived judgment would sneak in and make me change my mind.

Enough is enough though.

To see change in my life I have to be the change.

So, that is what I am doing this year.

So far I’ve managed to feel happier than I have in a very long time. My moods have been fairly stable lately, which helps I think.

Sorry I have been M.I.A

Is it Spring yet?

I am so over Winter.

We have been dealing with another bought of flu, colds, and allergies. Every one in my house (except the oldest) has been sick with something. We have made three trips to the doctor in just two weeks. I’m done. I am over this season of yucky weather, germ, and sickness.

I am trying to trick my house into thinking it’s an early Spring. I’ve begun the decorating for Spring and Easter. I thought it was working too, but my girl came home today complaining of stomach ache and earache. I’m hoping it’s just a fluke.

In the meantime I’ve been on a disinfecting rampage along with the decorating.

I’m hoping to get everyone better and get back on track with the posting.

My relationship with food

It isn’t very pretty. I struggle with balance. Depending on the trigger I either overeat for comfort or restrict out of emotional pain.

I have never found a happy medium. When stress over takes me and I feel the dip I turn to food for solace. I don’t really get comfort from it though because too many years of abusing food has wreaked havoc on my body. I am overweight, sluggish, and tired all of the time. I have always struggled with body image and self esteem issues as well so it only keeps me in a constant state of self loathing and hate. Then I tend to flip the switch and restrict food for a while because that worked for me when I was a teen. Or so is how I felt.

It is a vicious cycle.

Every year I say the same. This year is my year. I will break the cycle and overcome. I will lose the weight, and every year ends the same. I stay stuck in the cycle.

I stay stressed, with raising babies and dealing with my own self. I continue to eat my pain and feelings. And I stay down. I stay sad. I stay tired.

Yet, here we are again. New year, new me. Right?

I’m still working on it. But, I really am tired of it all. I really want to break this cycle. I want to find my happy again.

Thus, part of the reason I decided to start this blogging thing to begin with. As a sort of journaling therapy for myself.

Here’s to a new me. Maybe?