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First blog post

Here goes nothing.

I need an outlet for the day to day struggles of being a mom and wife. I have depression and anxiety on top of trying to raise four children. I feel like blogging may be a therapeutic experience for me and a good way to reach out to anyone else facing similar struggles.

“It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply.”

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My Depression and Friendships…

I recently reconnected with an old friend and we had an outing for the first time since today. As I was sitting, talking with her it made me reflect on my relationships with my friends and how my depression has occasionally caused rifts along the way.

Just about every single true friendship I have has had a falling out at some point. Sometimes it was months, others years. I’m not blaming it solely on my depression, I am at fault more often then not, but looking back I see how the timing of the fights were coinciding with my being in the pits of that brokenness.

See when it hits me hard, I break. I start to immediately put up the walls and shut down internally. On the outside though, I seem put together. I’m not sure why but the more broken I am the more I need my outward appearance to seek perfection. Contradictory as it may be, I guess it gives me some sense of control. When I am striving to keep this perceived perfection though, I am completely broken.

This has caused some issues along the way. I go into the mode of striving for perfection all the while feeling completely imperfect. My mind tells me those around me couldn’t possibly like, let alone love the true me. The me that is broken. I don’t necessarily believe they’d be better off but I do believe they deserve anyone who is not me, because anyone would be better than the me I don’t let people see. So I push them away. I sabotage the friendships in one way or another. Not completely intentionally but I know it hurts. in my quest to save them from nothing that is my existence I have to hurt them. It’s not always a grand fight. Sometimes it’s just little things that build to the point where they finally leave and sometimes I step away and won’t let them back in because I need to hurt without them.

I’ve been lucky, though. Somehow and for some reason they always eventually see through my façade and accept me back and we can jump back in like nothing every happened.  There is a long period in between though and I tend to start thinking they got smart and let me go but it always seems like just when I need them, they reach out somehow.

Now, not all of my friendships have been through this. The closest of close ones have suffered this fate, unfortunately. I guess it’s my sense of not being able to be vulnerable enough to truly let them see me, and once it starts to happen I go into fight or flight mode to survive. It sucks I bring them down with me for a while though. I’ve always felt I’m not good at this friendship thing but I guess there’s something worth being my friend for.

Anyway, thanks my loves for always coming back to me. I know sometimes it’s difficult to love me.

Summer, where did you go?

This Summer has gone by so fast. This year is flying by really. I guess because we have been staying fairly busy, with appointments, cheer practice, tumbling class, and family birthday parties. This has been, probably, our busiest Summer yet.

We aren’t really go places people. We don’t do Summer family vacations because we just can’t afford them. There aren’t a lot of options for entertainment in our little neck of the woods either. I expect life to continue to get busy though as the smallest Turkey boy is showing interest in sports and baby girl is all about Cheerleading.

We have just about a month left of Summer. We are already starting to transition to back to school mode. Working on getting back on more of a schedule, getting back into our morning and afternoon school year routines. We have just about finished all the back to school shopping, too.

And yet, I’m actually kind of sad. This Summer has also been the best Summer we’ve all had together in a long time. For the most part, everyone got along. Everyone was happy with each others company. We’ve enjoyed outside time together. We’ve done a couple crafts and painting without driving each other crazy over it.

We’ve never really been great at being together. Too many conflicting personalities.

We’re not quite ready to say goodbye to Summer just yet, but it will be here before long.

Happy Birthday ‘Murica!

Happy Independence Day American followers.

I hope you all enjoyed your bbqs, swim fests, beach trips, family time, and good old ‘Murican celebrating.

Be careful this evening popping fireworks, especially those who have been drinking today. We don’t want anyone to lose fingers or limbs.

We’ve had a pretty relaxed day. I got my new dishwasher hooked up. I haven’t had a dishwasher in seven years. This is pretty exciting for me. We baked some fish because our grill is out of gas, and took some patriotic photos of my youngest. The boy Turkeys have been holed up indoors on their electronics the majority of the day, but it’s the first time in a week they’ve been on so they have some time to make up for.

We aren’t doing fireworks tonight. Honestly, we never do foreworks. They’re stressful for us. Mr. K can only handle the loud noise for so long and the youngest has been scared of them in years past. Plus, people all over our neighborhood set them off all week long. We have a pack of sparklers to light and we will sit outside for a while and watch the ones in the neighborhood for a little bit.

Overall, it’s been a good day.

My mood is in check, Mr. K has been pretty level all day, the little ones are getting along. That’s all we can ask for.

How are you spending your day?

12 years

12 years I’ve grown from being a kid myself
12 years I’ve screwed up
12 years I’ve learned
12 years I’ve cared for another human being
12 years I’ve sacrificed
12 years I’ve fought for someone other than myself
12 years I’ve put myself last
12 years I’ve worried
12 years I’ve cried tears of joy and tears of sadness
12 years I’ve been scared
12 years I’ve had my heart walk around outside my body
12 years I’ve loved unconditionally a tiny person before I ever met them

12 years I’ve been a mom

Happy Momversary to me but more importantly….

Happy Birthday My Darling K!

I’m struggling…

I’ve been teetering on the edge of that deep dark pit. I’ve felt it for weeks. My anxiety has been at an all time high. I’ve been struggling to not fall in. It is taking everything I have to just get by. I am going through the motions on auto-pilot. It’s a constant cycle. Just when things seem to shine with light I’m hit with that darkness.

Reading about another high profile suicide hasn’t helped. I am heartbroken. Again, it hits way too close to home.

I’m not actively suicidal at the moment, but I’ve been there. I’ve fought with those thoughts and feelings. I’ve faced those demons. I’ve struggled with the desire to just have the pain end. To be able to finally find some peace.

It’s still hard to shake that feeling of loneliness. That’s what depression does. It lies to you. It tells you that you are alone even when you are surrounded. It tells you that you don’t deserve the people who care about you. Or that the people you care about would be better off without you.

Yet, here I am, wearing my all too familiar mask. Playing out the act I perfected as a child. The one that tells the world I am ok. The one that tells the world I have it all together. The fake smile, the fake laughs, the fake happiness.

This part of the cycle is always hard. I am lucky to have a fairly good support system at home. He helps me through the struggle. He pushes me to keep fighting every time. He forces me to keep my balance on this edge without letting me fall too far in.

I will be ok again. I will continue to fight my demons as long as I can.

We need to be more open about mental illness. Not be afraid of our struggles. It’s okay to not be okay.

If you are struggling, please, open up. Ask for help. Talk to someone. Talk to me.

This is a safe place.

“Dare to reach out your hand into darkness, to pull another hand into light.” – Norman B. Rice

Schools out for Summer…

Well, technically they have a couple days but I rarely send them the last week so we are done. Finished. Finite!

Summer is always stressful for me because we are all together in close quarters. The kids tend to not listen. They fight with each other. They make messes they don’t pick up. It’s all a lot to deal with.

As I’ve said before I don’t handle stress very well, and all of them home all day stressing each other out stresses me out.

Yesterday was our first day of Summer and it went pretty well at first,  but by the end of the day we were all maxed out. They weren’t listening, I had to yell to get them to do anything. It was a little rough.

There isn’t much to do in our area, as for family activities. We have a few small splash pads and parks but they aren’t very big and after a while it gets boring. I guess since they are finally older we may have to start going to the bigger cities around us to find some entertainment.

Anyway, we are ready to take Summer head on. I know I will stress a lot having them all home, as I always do, but hopefully this one goes better than usual. I’ve been doing pretty well and having more better days. The husband is back on his regular schedule so he will be around more, too. That helps as he is surprisingly good emotional support.

I want to have as many good days as possible. I want my little Turkeys to remember a happy mom. I want their memories to good ones.

I know it has been quiet lately

I’ve been busy. Distracted. Happy.

Well as happy as I can be. I’m still not quite sure what happy truly is. Sure, I’ve had fleeting moments of happiness or something resembling it. It never stays though.

It has been a busy couple of months. We finished out our first year of dance and full year of tumbling. We had our first dance recital and gym show. The last week of that was hectic but worth it. The kids did fantastic and it was great to see all their hard work pay off.

We have all been sick off an on for the last month also. So that’s kept us busy trying to get everyone healthy again. These allergies really kick our butts.

I’ve been in planning mode for the littlest turkey’s birthday party. I truly enjoy planning these parties so it’s always a nice distraction.

So the hustle and bustle of the last month or so has had me in good spirits. When I’m busy I have less time to live in my head and let that dark cloud hang over my head.

Now that things are settling down some I can feel it. I’ve had a lingering sadness following me the last few days. I’ve felt its presence slowly creeping in. I’m trying hard to keep it at bay but it’s a fight I don’t always win.