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First blog post

Here goes nothing.

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I need an outlet for the day to day struggles of being a mom and wife. I have depression and anxiety on top of trying to raise four children. I feel like blogging may be a therapeutic experience for me and a good way to reach out to anyone else facing similar struggles.

“It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply.”

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Giving of Thanks

It is Thanksgiving week.

Boy has this year flown.

This year has been a tough one.

I’ve had more down episodes with my depression and anxiety this year than I have had in a long while.

It’s been a rollercoaster. I fell to the lowest point I had ever been in years.

Those suicidal thoughts crept back in.

It was hard seeing story after story of people’s suicides and addiction battle as well. And the movement for sexual abuse survivors. It was all very triggering. The many, many posts being shared, that I would inevitably read, sent me back into that dark place. All the memories, all the pain came bubbling to the surface.

It got to the point my husband even talked about going to the hospital.

I feel bad for putting him through that too. I imagine it’s also pretty darn hard to sit on the outside watching someone you care about suffer and being helpless to really help them. And the kids as well having to deal with my short tempered, snappy self.

I am very Thankful for them, though. My husband has come a long way in recent years, and he truly does everything he knows how to help me through the bad days. He also bought me a puppy which has had me focused and happy, because well, puppies make everyone happy.

I am Thankful for my kids. While they might annoy the living daylights out of me, I know my life would be empty without them.

I am Thankful for my mom. She goes above and beyond for us always. I don’t know what I’d do without her.

I am Thankful for my sweet little puppy. He is the cutest and sweetest little thing. I love dogs!!

I am Thankful for my friends, especially the best friend who always sends me inappropriate yet hilarious memes that keep me smiling through the day.

Find things to be Thankful for in your day. Even if it’s something small. Do it every day, not just on Thanksgiving.

I hope you all have a Wonderful Thanksgiving with your families and friends.

I have an announcent!!

We have added a new member to our family!

A furry, four pawed, hunk of floof.

Yes, We got a Puppy!

I haven’t been this genuinely happy in a long time.

Much like a newborn, he sleeps a lot, but we are up every few hours in the night right now for bathroom breaks. So, I’m a little tired.

I’ve been really excited for his arrival and I have noticed my mood staying pretty steady.

Not sure if I’ve just been in a good place or I’m just extrememly happy for this little puppy. Either way, things have been going well.

Who knew a puppy was just what I needed!

Lots of adorableness below

Will the real me please stand up?

Who am I?

I don’t really know.

The past few years I have been working on figuring that out.

I’ve spent my whole life never feeling like I belonged in my body or my own life. I have always felt out of place. And I have always tried to be what I felt society, my family, friends, peers expected.

I couldn’t allow myself the freedom to be whatever real me there was bubbling at the surface. I cared far too much about others opinions or my perceived notion of those opinions.

I spent a lot of time growing up disassociating. I would feel like I was a bystander watching my life live out. I would lose hours. I felt like I wasn’t really me within that existence. Then I would snap out of that haze and be shocked by reality. It was dizzying and sometimes frightening. Or I would get so lost in a daydream of a different life, a life I felt was more befitting, then I would be pulled back abrubtly to reality.

I never knew what it was then. I never told anyone about it. As I grew older those moments happened less. I made conscience effort to be in the real world. Then, I put allI had into fitting into the box if what I should be.

So, I spent my life trying to be those things I perceived society said I should be.

As an adult it is still hard not to fall into those habits. I still feel as if I am supposed to be in that box, but I am trying to be more me. Whoever she is. I have been enjoying the things I like without worrying too much how others would think of it. I have been dying my hair different colors and trying out different hairstyles. I’m choosing clothing that I like and feel comfortable in. I try different makeup colors when I actually wear it.

Amazingly, I have gotten positive feedback. Not that I have asked for it, but I’m realizing maybe all of the judgement and expectation I have always felt was just my head being it’s cruel self.

Happy Fall

I am completely ecstatic that it is finally Autumn.

This is my time. I know a lot of people get down in the Fall and Winter but this time of year always makes me happy. Like, genuinely, happy. I still struggle but it always seems easier to break free during this time of year.

I adore all of the colors Autumn brings. I love all of the smells of the season. The cooler weather frees my soul. It’s my comfortable, soul soothing time.

Fall has always been my favorite time of year. I love that beautiful transition from the heat to the lovely cool weather. And while I understand the leaves and everything are dying I love the colors. The beautiful oranges, red, yellows, and even the brown. Those earthy colors make my soul sing. The apple cider and pumpkin spice wraps me in a warm comforting hug. Then we begin my favorite holiday seasons.

I haven’t been as excited for Halloween in past years as I am this year. It was always my favorite growing up but I’ve been sore over how it has been ruined these days. Long gone are the days of trick or treating door to door late at night dressed in spooky costumes and getting scared witless. Sure, kids still dress up, they have Fall Fests and trunk or treats, but it’s all done during the day and we have to be home by dark. It’s ridiculous and it had be sour over the holiday. My kids have been asking to really go all out decorating for it this year though so it has brought my spirit for it back. I usually decorate a bit. I make cutout bats and a few bloody handprints here and there but we are aiming for big this year and I am actually excited.

Then the best time for my mood comes. People tend to be friendlier, the atmosphere fresher and calmer, and an aire of happy floats in the air. After Halloween through Thanksgiving it is all about family and togetherness and amazing food.

Of course then my favorite Holiday season officially begins. I love everything about Christmas. Even when I’m not really feeling life I just sit and look at my lights and my tree and my spirits soar.

So I am very excited for the time of year. My head tends to chill a bit and some sort of genuine happiness gets to shine through for me. It’s a nice time to recharge.

Why a good day is a big deal..

Most people who have neurotypical children won’t understand the joys we take in the every day stuff.

I’m not going to lie, this school year has started out rough. Mr. K has been in rare form. He’s being disruptive, argumentative, and refusing to do his work.

I complained about it in a previous post, I know.

I’m still not sure why. He is officially a pre-teen though.

Anyway, for the neurotypical person, you just sort of expect good days. Most people seem to have “easy” kids when it comes to school and things. Not saying my kid is bad, because he’s really not, but he can be difficult. He’s highly stubborn and too smart for his own good.

So, this school year has gotten off to a rocky start. We’re lucky he has awesome teachers. They’re understanding and willing to try to figure out the root of his problem and help him help himself. So, they are trying a new little system where each class, the teacher writes whether he had a good or bad period and of he did his work. Let’s just say the start of the week was filled with a lot of negative. But, and it was just one day, Friday was a good day. Like, every class period was great!

It may not seem like it if you don’t understand the adhd/autism/tween years struggle, but this is a huge deal. For us, anyway.

I know there is still a way to go and he is likely to have a rough week again mext week but I know he can do it. He knows he can do it. All we can do is hope for the best with the little system and hope he realizes this is the route that will make it all easier for him.

Here’s the sheet grom Friday, yes, I’m bragging a little.

It’s been rough..

The last couple months parricularly.

My demons have been winning. I am fighting but desperately losing.

I’ve been stressing over reauthorization so the kid can get back into his therapy group.

Said kid has been, well let’s be honest, a complete arse at school so far.

It’s like he is taking this preteen angst, I don’t care about anything, ugh! My life sucks, I can do whatever the heck I want business and completely milking it for all its worth.

He has 80s movie teen angst down pat, let’s just say that.

He is barely even into this tweenagedom. What gives?!

I don’t know what to do. His teachee keeps asking for ideas but, really, I have none. Right now we are just along for the ride waiting for something to give. What can you do? Hold on and hope it doesn’t last long? Wait out the moment it is outgrown?

Are all tweenagers like this? Maybe just not as extreme?

We’re learning as we go. Blatantly failing but learning.

And just hoping we all come out unscathed.

All the while, I am trying not to drown in darkness.

‘Tis my life though

I took a shower today…

I took a shower today.

That statement may not seem like much to someone who doesn’t battle mental illness, but for me it’s pretty big.

I sat on my bed for two hours trying to will myself to just take a shower. Trying to muster up enough energy to gather my clothes and walk to the bathroom.

Now, I’m exhausted again.

Exhausted from the constant battle that has been raging in my head and overtaking me for the last couple of months.

Now, I have fought with mental illness for as long as I can remember, but these past few months have been hard.

I’m not exactly sure qhat triggered it initally but I’ve been living in a constant loop of all my past unresolved trauma.

I have tried, recently, to talk about it. I have finally started to share my story but in doing so, I’ve been looping and reliving every incident.

It has been taking every thing I have to just barely stay afloat. Every time I feel like I may reach solid ground and find my footing I am pulled out further into the deepness.

I am tired. I am drained. I am utterly exhausted.

I have to fight my head everyday to get up. I have people who are counting on me and I can’t even count on myself.

I don’t want to talk anymore… I just want to escape.