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First blog post

Here goes nothing.

I need an outlet for the day to day struggles of being a mom and wife. I have depression and anxiety on top of trying to raise four children. I feel like blogging may be a therapeutic experience for me and a good way to reach out to anyone else facing similar struggles.

“It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply.”

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Happy Birthday ‘Murica!

Happy Independence Day American followers.

I hope you all enjoyed your bbqs, swim fests, beach trips, family time, and good old ‘Murican celebrating.

Be careful this evening popping fireworks, especially those who have been drinking today. We don’t want anyone to lose fingers or limbs.

We’ve had a pretty relaxed day. I got my new dishwasher hooked up. I haven’t had a dishwasher in seven years. This is pretty exciting for me. We baked some fish because our grill is out of gas, and took some patriotic photos of my youngest. The boy Turkeys have been holed up indoors on their electronics the majority of the day, but it’s the first time in a week they’ve been on so they have some time to make up for.

We aren’t doing fireworks tonight. Honestly, we never do foreworks. They’re stressful for us. Mr. K can only handle the loud noise for so long and the youngest has been scared of them in years past. Plus, people all over our neighborhood set them off all week long. We have a pack of sparklers to light and we will sit outside for a while and watch the ones in the neighborhood for a little bit.

Overall, it’s been a good day.

My mood is in check, Mr. K has been pretty level all day, the little ones are getting along. That’s all we can ask for.

How are you spending your day?

12 years

12 years I’ve grown from being a kid myself
12 years I’ve screwed up
12 years I’ve learned
12 years I’ve cared for another human being
12 years I’ve sacrificed
12 years I’ve fought for someone other than myself
12 years I’ve put myself last
12 years I’ve worried
12 years I’ve cried tears of joy and tears of sadness
12 years I’ve been scared
12 years I’ve had my heart walk around outside my body
12 years I’ve loved unconditionally a tiny person before I ever met them

12 years I’ve been a mom

Happy Momversary to me but more importantly….

Happy Birthday My Darling K!

I’m struggling…

I’ve been teetering on the edge of that deep dark pit. I’ve felt it for weeks. My anxiety has been at an all time high. I’ve been struggling to not fall in. It is taking everything I have to just get by. I am going through the motions on auto-pilot. It’s a constant cycle. Just when things seem to shine with light I’m hit with that darkness.

Reading about another high profile suicide hasn’t helped. I am heartbroken. Again, it hits way too close to home.

I’m not actively suicidal at the moment, but I’ve been there. I’ve fought with those thoughts and feelings. I’ve faced those demons. I’ve struggled with the desire to just have the pain end. To be able to finally find some peace.

It’s still hard to shake that feeling of loneliness. That’s what depression does. It lies to you. It tells you that you are alone even when you are surrounded. It tells you that you don’t deserve the people who care about you. Or that the people you care about would be better off without you.

Yet, here I am, wearing my all too familiar mask. Playing out the act I perfected as a child. The one that tells the world I am ok. The one that tells the world I have it all together. The fake smile, the fake laughs, the fake happiness.

This part of the cycle is always hard. I am lucky to have a fairly good support system at home. He helps me through the struggle. He pushes me to keep fighting every time. He forces me to keep my balance on this edge without letting me fall too far in.

I will be ok again. I will continue to fight my demons as long as I can.

We need to be more open about mental illness. Not be afraid of our struggles. It’s okay to not be okay.

If you are struggling, please, open up. Ask for help. Talk to someone. Talk to me.

This is a safe place.

“Dare to reach out your hand into darkness, to pull another hand into light.” – Norman B. Rice

Schools out for Summer…

Well, technically they have a couple days but I rarely send them the last week so we are done. Finished. Finite!

Summer is always stressful for me because we are all together in close quarters. The kids tend to not listen. They fight with each other. They make messes they don’t pick up. It’s all a lot to deal with.

As I’ve said before I don’t handle stress very well, and all of them home all day stressing each other out stresses me out.

Yesterday was our first day of Summer and it went pretty well at first,  but by the end of the day we were all maxed out. They weren’t listening, I had to yell to get them to do anything. It was a little rough.

There isn’t much to do in our area, as for family activities. We have a few small splash pads and parks but they aren’t very big and after a while it gets boring. I guess since they are finally older we may have to start going to the bigger cities around us to find some entertainment.

Anyway, we are ready to take Summer head on. I know I will stress a lot having them all home, as I always do, but hopefully this one goes better than usual. I’ve been doing pretty well and having more better days. The husband is back on his regular schedule so he will be around more, too. That helps as he is surprisingly good emotional support.

I want to have as many good days as possible. I want my little Turkeys to remember a happy mom. I want their memories to good ones.

I know it has been quiet lately

I’ve been busy. Distracted. Happy.

Well as happy as I can be. I’m still not quite sure what happy truly is. Sure, I’ve had fleeting moments of happiness or something resembling it. It never stays though.

It has been a busy couple of months. We finished out our first year of dance and full year of tumbling. We had our first dance recital and gym show. The last week of that was hectic but worth it. The kids did fantastic and it was great to see all their hard work pay off.

We have all been sick off an on for the last month also. So that’s kept us busy trying to get everyone healthy again. These allergies really kick our butts.

I’ve been in planning mode for the littlest turkey’s birthday party. I truly enjoy planning these parties so it’s always a nice distraction.

So the hustle and bustle of the last month or so has had me in good spirits. When I’m busy I have less time to live in my head and let that dark cloud hang over my head.

Now that things are settling down some I can feel it. I’ve had a lingering sadness following me the last few days. I’ve felt its presence slowly creeping in. I’m trying hard to keep it at bay but it’s a fight I don’t always win.

Happy Easter followers!

Wishing you all a Hoppingly swell Easter tomorrow. A happy day spent with family or friends. May you all eat to much, laugh too much, and enjoy your toothaches from too much candy.

I don’t follow religions, but for those who do, May your day be Blessed.

We spent our Easter Eve playing outside, tending our plants, and dying eggs. We are all anxiously awaiting a certain bunny’s arrival. The Easter Bunny generally leaves more goodies and small toys in our baskets and just a few candies.

We will watch Hop, hunt eggs, and eat way to much! I can’t wait until tomorrow.

Does your family have any special traditions?

Shout out to my husband

I have to give him a shout out.

He’s been here for me through the ups and downs and the highs and lows.

He reads the articles I send him that describe my mental illness more fluidly than I ever could. He is willing to learn everything he can to be better for me when I need him.

Even though I usually don’t openly come to him. I tend to take my emotional pain and struggle out on him. I internalize.

Still, he is there. He recognizes. He bugs me until I open up even just a little.

Yesterday I wasn’t feeling well. I wasn’t sick but I’m still learning what foods I can handle since my gallbladder removal and the food I ate the day before was not one of them. Well, I was not eating. I was acting uninterested in eating and I was being kind of mopey.

He offered me food. He offered to make or go to town to get me food. He offered to share his food. I refused. He became concerned. He asked if I was feeling down and depressed and maybe that was why I was feeling funky.

I cleared it up that it was just tummy troubles and everything was well currently. He still set me up in bed to relax and binge watch my show and not be bothered, just in case.

I really don’t give this man enough credit.