I need an outlet for the day to day struggles of being a mom and wife. I have depression and anxiety on top of trying to raise four children. I feel like blogging may be a therapeutic experience for me and a good way to reach out to anyone else facing similar struggles.
“It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply.”
Who am I?
I don’t really know.
The past few years I have been working on figuring that out.
I’ve spent my whole life never feeling like I belonged in my body or my own life. I have always felt out of place. And I have always tried to be what I felt society, my family, friends, peers expected.
I couldn’t allow myself the freedom to be whatever real me there was bubbling at the surface. I cared far too much about others opinions or my perceived notion of those opinions.
I spent a lot of time growing up disassociating. I would feel like I was a bystander watching my life live out. I would lose hours. I felt like I wasn’t really me within that existence. Then I would snap out of that haze and be shocked by reality. It was dizzying and sometimes frightening. Or I would get so lost in a daydream of a different life, a life I felt was more befitting, then I would be pulled back abrubtly to reality.
I never knew what it was then. I never told anyone about it. As I grew older those moments happened less. I made conscience effort to be in the real world. Then, I put allI had into fitting into the box if what I should be.
So, I spent my life trying to be those things I perceived society said I should be.
As an adult it is still hard not to fall into those habits. I still feel as if I am supposed to be in that box, but I am trying to be more me. Whoever she is. I have been enjoying the things I like without worrying too much how others would think of it. I have been dying my hair different colors and trying out different hairstyles. I’m choosing clothing that I like and feel comfortable in. I try different makeup colors when I actually wear it.
Amazingly, I have gotten positive feedback. Not that I have asked for it, but I’m realizing maybe all of the judgement and expectation I have always felt was just my head being it’s cruel self.
I am completely ecstatic that it is finally Autumn.
This is my time. I know a lot of people get down in the Fall and Winter but this time of year always makes me happy. Like, genuinely, happy. I still struggle but it always seems easier to break free during this time of year.
I adore all of the colors Autumn brings. I love all of the smells of the season. The cooler weather frees my soul. It’s my comfortable, soul soothing time.
Fall has always been my favorite time of year. I love that beautiful transition from the heat to the lovely cool weather. And while I understand the leaves and everything are dying I love the colors. The beautiful oranges, red, yellows, and even the brown. Those earthy colors make my soul sing. The apple cider and pumpkin spice wraps me in a warm comforting hug. Then we begin my favorite holiday seasons.
I haven’t been as excited for Halloween in past years as I am this year. It was always my favorite growing up but I’ve been sore over how it has been ruined these days. Long gone are the days of trick or treating door to door late at night dressed in spooky costumes and getting scared witless. Sure, kids still dress up, they have Fall Fests and trunk or treats, but it’s all done during the day and we have to be home by dark. It’s ridiculous and it had be sour over the holiday. My kids have been asking to really go all out decorating for it this year though so it has brought my spirit for it back. I usually decorate a bit. I make cutout bats and a few bloody handprints here and there but we are aiming for big this year and I am actually excited.
Then the best time for my mood comes. People tend to be friendlier, the atmosphere fresher and calmer, and an aire of happy floats in the air. After Halloween through Thanksgiving it is all about family and togetherness and amazing food.
Of course then my favorite Holiday season officially begins. I love everything about Christmas. Even when I’m not really feeling life I just sit and look at my lights and my tree and my spirits soar.
So I am very excited for the time of year. My head tends to chill a bit and some sort of genuine happiness gets to shine through for me. It’s a nice time to recharge.
Most people who have neurotypical children won’t understand the joys we take in the every day stuff.
I’m not going to lie, this school year has started out rough. Mr. K has been in rare form. He’s being disruptive, argumentative, and refusing to do his work.
I complained about it in a previous post, I know.
I’m still not sure why. He is officially a pre-teen though.
Anyway, for the neurotypical person, you just sort of expect good days. Most people seem to have “easy” kids when it comes to school and things. Not saying my kid is bad, because he’s really not, but he can be difficult. He’s highly stubborn and too smart for his own good.
So, this school year has gotten off to a rocky start. We’re lucky he has awesome teachers. They’re understanding and willing to try to figure out the root of his problem and help him help himself. So, they are trying a new little system where each class, the teacher writes whether he had a good or bad period and of he did his work. Let’s just say the start of the week was filled with a lot of negative. But, and it was just one day, Friday was a good day. Like, every class period was great!
It may not seem like it if you don’t understand the adhd/autism/tween years struggle, but this is a huge deal. For us, anyway.
I know there is still a way to go and he is likely to have a rough week again mext week but I know he can do it. He knows he can do it. All we can do is hope for the best with the little system and hope he realizes this is the route that will make it all easier for him.
Here’s the sheet grom Friday, yes, I’m bragging a little.
The last couple months parricularly.
My demons have been winning. I am fighting but desperately losing.
I’ve been stressing over reauthorization so the kid can get back into his therapy group.
Said kid has been, well let’s be honest, a complete arse at school so far.
It’s like he is taking this preteen angst, I don’t care about anything, ugh! My life sucks, I can do whatever the heck I want business and completely milking it for all its worth.
He has 80s movie teen angst down pat, let’s just say that.
He is barely even into this tweenagedom. What gives?!
I don’t know what to do. His teachee keeps asking for ideas but, really, I have none. Right now we are just along for the ride waiting for something to give. What can you do? Hold on and hope it doesn’t last long? Wait out the moment it is outgrown?
Are all tweenagers like this? Maybe just not as extreme?
We’re learning as we go. Blatantly failing but learning.
And just hoping we all come out unscathed.
All the while, I am trying not to drown in darkness.
‘Tis my life though
I took a shower today.
That statement may not seem like much to someone who doesn’t battle mental illness, but for me it’s pretty big.
I sat on my bed for two hours trying to will myself to just take a shower. Trying to muster up enough energy to gather my clothes and walk to the bathroom.
Now, I’m exhausted again.
Exhausted from the constant battle that has been raging in my head and overtaking me for the last couple of months.
Now, I have fought with mental illness for as long as I can remember, but these past few months have been hard.
I’m not exactly sure qhat triggered it initally but I’ve been living in a constant loop of all my past unresolved trauma.
I have tried, recently, to talk about it. I have finally started to share my story but in doing so, I’ve been looping and reliving every incident.
It has been taking every thing I have to just barely stay afloat. Every time I feel like I may reach solid ground and find my footing I am pulled out further into the deepness.
I am tired. I am drained. I am utterly exhausted.
I have to fight my head everyday to get up. I have people who are counting on me and I can’t even count on myself.
I don’t want to talk anymore… I just want to escape.
I recently reconnected with an old friend and we had an outing for the first time since today. As I was sitting, talking with her it made me reflect on my relationships with my friends and how my depression has occasionally caused rifts along the way.
Just about every single true friendship I have has had a falling out at some point. Sometimes it was months, others years. I’m not blaming it solely on my depression, I am at fault more often then not, but looking back I see how the timing of the fights were coinciding with my being in the pits of that brokenness.
See when it hits me hard, I break. I start to immediately put up the walls and shut down internally. On the outside though, I seem put together. I’m not sure why but the more broken I am the more I need my outward appearance to seek perfection. Contradictory as it may be, I guess it gives me some sense of control. When I am striving to keep this perceived perfection though, I am completely broken.
This has caused some issues along the way. I go into the mode of striving for perfection all the while feeling completely imperfect. My mind tells me those around me couldn’t possibly like, let alone love the true me. The me that is broken. I don’t necessarily believe they’d be better off but I do believe they deserve anyone who is not me, because anyone would be better than the me I don’t let people see. So I push them away. I sabotage the friendships in one way or another. Not completely intentionally but I know it hurts. in my quest to save them from nothing that is my existence I have to hurt them. It’s not always a grand fight. Sometimes it’s just little things that build to the point where they finally leave and sometimes I step away and won’t let them back in because I need to hurt without them.
I’ve been lucky, though. Somehow and for some reason they always eventually see through my façade and accept me back and we can jump back in like nothing every happened. There is a long period in between though and I tend to start thinking they got smart and let me go but it always seems like just when I need them, they reach out somehow.
Now, not all of my friendships have been through this. The closest of close ones have suffered this fate, unfortunately. I guess it’s my sense of not being able to be vulnerable enough to truly let them see me, and once it starts to happen I go into fight or flight mode to survive. It sucks I bring them down with me for a while though. I’ve always felt I’m not good at this friendship thing but I guess there’s something worth being my friend for.
Anyway, thanks my loves for always coming back to me. I know sometimes it’s difficult to love me.
This Summer has gone by so fast. This year is flying by really. I guess because we have been staying fairly busy, with appointments, cheer practice, tumbling class, and family birthday parties. This has been, probably, our busiest Summer yet.
We aren’t really go places people. We don’t do Summer family vacations because we just can’t afford them. There aren’t a lot of options for entertainment in our little neck of the woods either. I expect life to continue to get busy though as the smallest Turkey boy is showing interest in sports and baby girl is all about Cheerleading.
We have just about a month left of Summer. We are already starting to transition to back to school mode. Working on getting back on more of a schedule, getting back into our morning and afternoon school year routines. We have just about finished all the back to school shopping, too.
And yet, I’m actually kind of sad. This Summer has also been the best Summer we’ve all had together in a long time. For the most part, everyone got along. Everyone was happy with each others company. We’ve enjoyed outside time together. We’ve done a couple crafts and painting without driving each other crazy over it.
We’ve never really been great at being together. Too many conflicting personalities.
We’re not quite ready to say goodbye to Summer just yet, but it will be here before long.